


The Empire of Trebizond and the Temple of Bad Decisions

by UglyTurnip



Category: Europa Universalis (Video Games)
Genre: Comedy, Eu4, Gen, Historical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 17:30:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15845997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UglyTurnip/pseuds/UglyTurnip
Summary: After Constantinople falls to the Turks, David Komnenos must find a way to defend the last Byzantine outpost from Ottoman aggression. This is the story of how he failed horribly.





	The Empire of Trebizond and the Temple of Bad Decisions

One fine spring day in 1448, the Ottoman army marched to Constantinople. They wanted to conquer it.

"Byzantium!" Exclaimed the Ottomans. "We want to conquer Constantinople!"

"No," said John VIII Palaiologos.

"Please?" Asked the Ottomans as they besieged the city.

"No," said John again, and then turned around to face Europe. "Good Catholic nations of Europe: Lend me your armies against the Turkish menace!"

"No," said the Catholic nations of Europe, who were still pretty spooked after what happened at Varna.

"Pretty please?" The Ottomans asked once more as they breached the walls.

"Oh, OK," a dejected John said, and Byzantium was annexed.

Such news was brought to Trebizond immediately afterward. It greatly worried them.

"This greatly worried us!" Proclaimed David Komnenos. He was the newly crowned Autokrater of the empire.

"What are we gonna do?" Asked a random Trebizondian woman.

David looked to the west. There were a lot of Turks next door, but they were leaving him alone for the moment. Still, there were too many to wage a successful war against, so he looked to the east. Georgia was currently in the process of sieging Lomsia, the eastern province of the Samtskhe khanate.

"Stop that!" Exclaimed the Samtskhe.

"No," said the Georgians.

David rubbed his chin in thought. Suddenly, a brilliant idea entered his mind.

"I know what we will do!" He proudly declared to the masses. "We shall do as all good medieval Christians do, and wage war against other medieval Christians!"

"Hey, that's pretty good," said the crowd of Trebizondians, and the army marched toward the province of Tao, which formed the western half of the khanate.

"Hey, we're taking this," the Trebizondians informed the Samtskhe.

"Why?" Said the Samtskhe, who were now pretty frustrated.

"Why not?" Argued the Trebizondians, and they annexed the province while Georgia took Lomsia.

"Good job, Trebizond!" Georgia congratulated as the two countries shook hands. "Except now we must go to war with each other."

"Wait, what?" Asked the Trebizondians.

"You took rightful Georgian clay; now we must take it back."

"Not so fast!" Interjected a third party as the entered the room. They were Georgian Pretender Rebels. "We are Georgian Pretender Rebels, and we will put our own king on the throne!"

"Uh oh," said the Georgians, who had already declared war on Trebizond, and the two factions beat them up. Trebizond took Lomsia out of the deal and peaced.

Now, the Trebizondians were getting some ground. They had 3 provinces, and even though two were filled with filthy Georgian subhumans, it was good to have as much land as you could get.

This did not go unnoticed by Aq Qoyunlu, who were now Coptic Christians and wanted some of that sweet sweet Orthodox land.

"How do you do, fellow Christians?" Said Aq Qoyunlu. "Can we have some of that sweet sweet Orthodox land?"

David thought about it. "No."

"Oh, OK," said Aq Qoyunlu, and they went to war.

"Not so fast!" Exclaimed another third party. This time, Georgian patriots burst upon the scene. They were unhappy under Pontic rule, and David had failed to pacify their previous protests. "We are unhappy under Pontic rule, and we will destroy you!"

"Oh," said Trebizond, and it got beaten up by the both of them. Soon, Trebizond was back to the one-province minor it began as. The lands that had once been ruled by the Samtskhe were now under the control of Aq Qoyunlu, but Trebizond still remained independent.

"Drat!" Shouted David. "Never trust a Georgian!"

"Hey David," said Mehmed II as he came over for a visit. He seemed pretty excited about something. "What's up?"

"Nothing much," said David, and he noticed the rather large bombard that Mehmed's troops were dragging. "What's that?"

"It's my new cannon!" Mehmed squealed with joy. "I got it from a nice Hungarian fellow. Would you mind if I try it out on your city?"

"No thanks," said David. "I kinda like my independence."

Suddenly, the bombard fired at Trebizond's walls.

"Sorry, what was that!?" Mehmed shouted over the bombardment. "I can't hear you!"

"Mehmed, you dick!" David screamed back. "Stop it!"

"No thanks!" Mehmed replied. "I kinda want your city!"

"Faithful Catholics of Europe, I call upon you for aid!" David beseeched as loudly as he could.

"No," said the Catholics, who saw that Constantinople was gone now. They were even more afraid of the Ottomans before.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cried David as his glorious city fell to the cannons of the Ottomans. "I HAVE BEEN DEFEATED!"

Meanwhile, France and England were engaged in their favorite pastime of tussling over Calais. Suddenly, France heard the anguished screams of a doomed man and stopped the fight.

"What's wrong?" Asked England. "Why'd you stop?"

"I thought I heard something, something along the lines of incurable sadness."

"It was probably nothing," England insisted.

"Yeah, you're probably right," France replied, and they went back to fighting.


End file.
